I always try to tell people that music is my life, yet they don’t understand that, since I don’t play a musical instrument (well), I’m not a famous singer (but I sing every.single. day. of.my.life), yet if my husband threatens to get rid of my subscription to Sirius/XM I tell him I would rather die!
I have consider myself well rounded in my musical taste, I was raised on country and went rebel at 12, choosing rock instead…it fed my soul. However, if I go deeper, my love for music started earlier, probably when my grandmother took me to church and I heard the old hymns like Amazing Grace and How Great Thou Art. Then, of course, came the Christmas tunes like Andy Williams version of Oh Holy Night that I compare to all others and none seem to stack up.
Those songs that make the chill bumps appear on your arms and your hair stand on end, the ones you try in vain to sing with such conviction yourself-a great example of that is me trying to sing any song from Mariah Carey, lol!
I grew up loving the rock icons like Aerosmith, Led Zeppelin, and Peter Frampton and progressed from there to the kind of music no one believes a 56-year-old should be listening to…Korn, Alice in Chains, Breaking Benjamin and Shinedown to name just a few.
One of the songs that resonates with me though brings me to tears almost every fucking time, even though I tell myself I moved past it, that I don’t feel that way anymore, is Blue October’s Hate Me. Oh my god. Some back history may be necessary here. We have a son that we have been through lots of painful stuff with…make that two. Two sons that have given us their own special brand of hell, anyway, this song and the way it makes me feel can actually be applied to either one of my boys, but mainly it’s Josh that I think about when it plays.
I’m pretty sure that Justin is a tortured soul, much like Joshua. That he took his share of medication, just like Josh and that he had a mother that tried so hard to understand and help him that she nearly went mad herself. You can see his pain on stage as I found out one night at a little place (no longer there) in Winnie, Texas called Nutty Jerry’s when my husband so kindly took me to their concert. He is actually hard to watch, his pain is so…palpable.
“I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They’re crawling like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home.”
That line nearly makes the tears come just writing it down, if I play the song while typing this, I’ll not be able to go on.
But then there’s this one:
“There’s a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say you loved me, just to put it in my face?
It is I that wanted space-
Hate me today, Hate me tomorrow, Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you. Hate me in ways, Yeah, ways hard to swallow, Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you.”
I could go on, cause really, it’s the whole song, but you surely get the gist. The song makes me hurt for Justin and his mom almost as much as I hurt for my own son(s), knowing the demons they fight day in and day out.
I have written a post on my own blog (Kimmy’s Patio) that talks about my love for music, yet it covers different material if anyone would like to read it.
Anyhoo, I hope I have related my intense reaction to music properly Alto, and thank you for giving us such an awesome prompt today!
